


Red Cove Radio - Episode 1 (Script)

by schwertlilie



Category: Original Work, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Radio, Alternate Universe - Small Town, Canada, Gen, Nova Scotia, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-16
Updated: 2013-11-16
Packaged: 2018-01-01 17:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwertlilie/pseuds/schwertlilie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Welcome to Night Vale was set in a small, East Coast town? What if instead of lights in the desert or a void in the sky, the canning plant re-opens and animal control reminds you that when handling dead porcupines, you should have adequate protection against vengeful animal spirits?</p>
<p>  <i>Welcome back to Red Cove Radio in the afternoon, and I'm Erin Leblanc. It's time for our community announcements.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Red Cove Radio - Episode 1 (Script)

**Author's Note:**

> Content: Explicit references to animal death (cats) and use of animal products (cats, seafood, porcupines); flippancy about said death. Night Vale-level weirdness. References to British folklore. Mixing and matching of different areas of the Maritimes.

Welcome back to Red Cove Radio in the afternoon, and I'm Erin Leblanc. It's time for our community announcements.

Meredith McKinnon reports that her barn cats have been going missing, one and two at a time. This is a serious problem, as you all know - those cats keep the mice out of her feed and entertain visitors with choral meowing. Many of our listeners have already received a visit or a pamphlet from Meredith about the situation. In the interests of community spirit, we here at Red Cove Radio encourage any listeners with information on the disappearance of the McKinnon cats to please call in to the station. 

Sarah Paul wants to remind everyone that she will pay five dollars for every porcupine you bring to her house. Not only will you make some extra cash, you'll be supporting local industry - Sarah's dyed porcupine quill boxes are always a hot seller at the gift shop near Bernie's whale watching tours. Animal control would like _us_ to remind you to be careful when handling live animals, and that with the proper precautions against vengeful animal spirits, handling fresh road kill is much safer than handling live porcupines. Leave that to the experts!

Jacqueline's Pizza has a new special this week: pirate crab pasta, made with fresh local snow crab. Not only is it dressed up with a little pirate flag and a cocktail sword, it comes with a free gin or lager for the older folks. Enjoy your food under the table, where the fisheries officer won't know you're eating crab out of season. 

In other news, Mary-John and her husband John Dunner are organising a trip into the city this weekend for some boughten quilts and gifts, and they have extra room in their van. If you're interested in coming with, stop by their house before Friday to arrange a pick-up time.

This just in: Sharon MacNamara called to report that when she was out to check on her trap lines this morning, she found a number of cats just off the road, drained of their blood. We send our condolences to Meredith, and we wish you the best of luck in protecting your remaining cats. We would play our recording of the Hallelujah chorus from last December’s feline concert, but we can't seem to cue it up properly. 

Listeners, let this be a reminder to you: love your pets and work animals. Keep them as safe as you can, for as long as you can, and force their spirits to reanimate their bodies for as long as the flesh will hold.

Don't let them putrefy, though - that's just gross. 

And now, the tide tables.

> Out in the woods not long ago, outside a town ten miles or so  
>  Man and wife and two small babies camping in a glade  
>  On an Indian Summer getaway, a weekend full of rest and play  
>  Tuckered out from their full day, now sitting ’round a fire  
>  But lurking in the shadows was a demon with a big ol’ set of eyes  
>  And an appetite for souls like these, feeding time tonight  
>  They never heard it coming  
>  They never saw it coming  
>  They were never seen or heard from again
> 
> The Hidey-Hinder, by the gates of Hades,  
>  Overcame Daddy and took the Mama and babies  
>  The Hidey-Hinder done took ‘em good  
>  Back to its lair, deep in Dagger Woods
> 
> The tale goes back hundreds of years, through the countless days and hours  
>  When the golden plow first broke the land, folks started disappearing  
>  The locals swear beyond a doubt, it came over on the first slow-boat  
>  The bloodthirsty monster they call the Hidey-Hinder  
>  An old world apparition hitched a ride to the new world in disguise  
>  Supernatural baggage in the hold from a hard life left behind  
>  If they knew what they was bringin’, I sure would not be singin’  
>  ‘Bout people never seen or heard again
> 
> The Hidey-Hinder, of the old world nations,  
>  Has reigned in terror for seven generations  
>  Oh Hidey-Hinder, I wish I could  
>  Prove you exist, deep in Dagger Woods

Bernie MacDonald - you know, the lobster fisherman? - reports that he saw the Flying Dutchman while he was checking his traps this morning, and so our lovely town is in for some beautiful sunny weather this week. This would be excellent if it were tourist season, but it is not, and so we will all need to be extra-careful to avoid snow-blindness and ice-deafness for the next few days.

Meanwhile, the old canning plant has now re-opened for business. Management has brought in foreign workers, saying that once the plant is making a profit they will refit the machinery to accommodate average-sized people. Bring anything you need canned, along with a label design, and the old, red-hatted workers will be happy to can it for you - for a price, of course. We need to help keep the machinery and this village running so that we can all get the spin-off benefits, after all! Management suggests canning items like clam chowder, ocean air, and foxberry jam, but will also process your dead barn cats - which Management insists the plant workers had _nothing to do with_ \- for a nominal fee. 

Mmm, I just _love_ a good foxberry jam!

We're coming up on three o'clock, and that means Ashley's Cook House is on next. Today, Ashley is giving instructions on how to make a fish smoker from two cookie sheets and a coffee can, and examining the benefits of raising salmon fry in your toilet tank.

That's it for me, and I'll see you all tomorrow. Have a good one, Red Cove.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading (or listening)! Tide Table is an excerpt from "[Dagger Woods](http://thestanfields.ca/dagger-woods-lyrics/)" by [The Stanfields](http://thestanfields.ca/). For context about the cats and canning plant, look up [redcaps](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Redcap), a particularly nasty fairy from English folklore.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Red Cove Radio - Episode 1 (Podfic)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1046703) by [schwertlilie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwertlilie/pseuds/schwertlilie)




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